“I must just have been a terrible parent then”
Sound familiar? Whether you’re the one saying this, or it’s being said to you what I hear is so much hurt and shame in that statement. It can be hard to sit with someone you love so deeply and hear that they believe that you’ve caused harm to them.
On the other hand it can feel so invalidating to try to be vulnerable with a parent and let them know the ways you’ve been impacted by their behavior or decisions only to be met with deflection, diminishment, or outright denial. This often leads to a place of
“I don’t want to lose my family but I’m not sure I can do this anymore”
People often think sitting with a family therapist that I can somehow magically convey your pain, frustrations and needs to your family member in a way that they finally “get it”. The reality is you’ve likely explained yourself countless times in every way you know how. I don’t believe I have any magic that you don’t in terms of expressing your feelings. What I’ve learned over the years is that it’s less about you finding magic words, but creating an environment where family members can listen to what's being said without becoming angry or defensive.
A specialty of mine is helping to build skills so that both sides can sit and listen to one another and learn how to respond with empathy, even when you don't agree with what they’re saying or where they’re coming from. People find safety in my space knowing there are rules of engagement for how we speak to and respond to family members. There’s a framework to slow down when things get too heated, or someone is overwhelmed and is no longer able to be present. Everyone deserves to be heard, and everyone is responsible for doing the hard work required of acknowledgment and repair.
If you’ve been locked in the same cycles with loved ones and are wondering if it will ever change, family therapy can be a great place to work on things with the help of someone else whose only goal is to keep things fair and safe for everyone. If you want things to get better but just aren’t sure if they can, I think it’s worth a shot at trying things differently this time.
Sound familiar? Whether you’re the one saying this, or it’s being said to you what I hear is so much hurt and shame in that statement. It can be hard to sit with someone you love so deeply and hear that they believe that you’ve caused harm to them.
On the other hand it can feel so invalidating to try to be vulnerable with a parent and let them know the ways you’ve been impacted by their behavior or decisions only to be met with deflection, diminishment, or outright denial. This often leads to a place of
“I don’t want to lose my family but I’m not sure I can do this anymore”
People often think sitting with a family therapist that I can somehow magically convey your pain, frustrations and needs to your family member in a way that they finally “get it”. The reality is you’ve likely explained yourself countless times in every way you know how. I don’t believe I have any magic that you don’t in terms of expressing your feelings. What I’ve learned over the years is that it’s less about you finding magic words, but creating an environment where family members can listen to what's being said without becoming angry or defensive.
A specialty of mine is helping to build skills so that both sides can sit and listen to one another and learn how to respond with empathy, even when you don't agree with what they’re saying or where they’re coming from. People find safety in my space knowing there are rules of engagement for how we speak to and respond to family members. There’s a framework to slow down when things get too heated, or someone is overwhelmed and is no longer able to be present. Everyone deserves to be heard, and everyone is responsible for doing the hard work required of acknowledgment and repair.
If you’ve been locked in the same cycles with loved ones and are wondering if it will ever change, family therapy can be a great place to work on things with the help of someone else whose only goal is to keep things fair and safe for everyone. If you want things to get better but just aren’t sure if they can, I think it’s worth a shot at trying things differently this time.
