The most important relationship you have in your life is the one you have with yourself. But so many people come to therapy to talk about their frustrations with their partner, their awful boss, or a loving but overbearing parent. I see all of those relationships as deeply connected to the relationship that you have with yourself. It’s not separate work, but work that is interconnected. How can you implement boundaries with someone if you either don’t know what you truly need, or worse, if you are constantly betraying what you truly need. It can be hard to have glowing results in your relationships with others if you don’t also give yourself that same care and concern.
Whether you're an overextended people pleaser or everyone's emergency contact who takes care of everything and everyone (except yourself most of the time) I hear women talk about feeling “selfish” to focus on their own wants and needs. Often this is coupled with a desperate need for clear boundaries, and a paralyzing fear you’ll be seen as a bitch if you do, or why even bother setting boundaries because people will just do what they want to anyways.
What people get wrong about boundaries is thinking it has anything to do with stopping or curbing other people's actions. We don’t have any control over other people, no matter how nicely we ask, or how much we show them it's important to us. Sometimes people don’t realize the impact their actions have on you, sometimes they do. Either way they’re going to do what they do. That doesn't make you a failure if they do something you’ve asked them not to. You weren’t setting a boundary, you were making a request.
Boundaries are something you do as a response to other people's actions.
This way it’s all in your control. When you communicate what you’re doing, or what you need to step away from doing anymore, you aren’t asking for anything on their part. It’s merely informing them of your next moves. This is one of my favorite things to help people with, figuring out how you actually feel, where your lines are, and what you need to say or do to honor them.
Another major theme I see in the therapy room is people going through major life transitions, or the feeling of being at a fork in the road and not knowing which to take. For the new path the stakes can feel really high, or the grief of a closed chapter is too overwhelming to see the path before you clearly. What can be helpful is walking this path with someone who has a completely different vantage point than you. When your thoughts only live in your head they can go round and round the same questions without landing on any concrete or steady answers. Talking out loud in therapy can help organize and make sense of what’s jumbled. I will be curious about what you’ve said and it will cause you to pause and wonder “is that what I really meant?”
Therapy with me often means sorting through the different parts of you: the scared parts, the protective parts, the parts carrying shame, and finding the quieter, steadier voice underneath. That calm, confident voice is often there. It’s just hard to hear when fear, shame, and old stories are louder.
Whether you're an overextended people pleaser or everyone's emergency contact who takes care of everything and everyone (except yourself most of the time) I hear women talk about feeling “selfish” to focus on their own wants and needs. Often this is coupled with a desperate need for clear boundaries, and a paralyzing fear you’ll be seen as a bitch if you do, or why even bother setting boundaries because people will just do what they want to anyways.
What people get wrong about boundaries is thinking it has anything to do with stopping or curbing other people's actions. We don’t have any control over other people, no matter how nicely we ask, or how much we show them it's important to us. Sometimes people don’t realize the impact their actions have on you, sometimes they do. Either way they’re going to do what they do. That doesn't make you a failure if they do something you’ve asked them not to. You weren’t setting a boundary, you were making a request.
Boundaries are something you do as a response to other people's actions.
This way it’s all in your control. When you communicate what you’re doing, or what you need to step away from doing anymore, you aren’t asking for anything on their part. It’s merely informing them of your next moves. This is one of my favorite things to help people with, figuring out how you actually feel, where your lines are, and what you need to say or do to honor them.
Another major theme I see in the therapy room is people going through major life transitions, or the feeling of being at a fork in the road and not knowing which to take. For the new path the stakes can feel really high, or the grief of a closed chapter is too overwhelming to see the path before you clearly. What can be helpful is walking this path with someone who has a completely different vantage point than you. When your thoughts only live in your head they can go round and round the same questions without landing on any concrete or steady answers. Talking out loud in therapy can help organize and make sense of what’s jumbled. I will be curious about what you’ve said and it will cause you to pause and wonder “is that what I really meant?”
Therapy with me often means sorting through the different parts of you: the scared parts, the protective parts, the parts carrying shame, and finding the quieter, steadier voice underneath. That calm, confident voice is often there. It’s just hard to hear when fear, shame, and old stories are louder.
