Forgiving, letting go of a grudge, or releasing anger are on the list of things my two Scorpio parents didn't instill in me. The truth is even though my head knows to forgive isn't weak, it sure as hell feels like it is.
It feels like I'll be a fool. That all those strong feelings of hurt won't have mattered, and damnit those feelings were real. I really don't like to be wrong, and if I was already wrong once and foolishly allowed myself to be hurt, and then later I choose to forgive does it mean I was wrong to stay hurt and angry all that time? That's racking up a lot of "wrongs" and I'm not really trying to live like that.
So fear whispers that it would be weak to forgive, that it's foolish, and that to give someone else forgiveness it somehow takes something away from me.
This is what I can't see in myself when I'm in the thick of it. What I have no trouble seeing in others is how much strength there is in forgiveness. That forgiveness is not blind, and can come with boundaries. That forgiveness is not pressing play on a paused relationship, and that you still have the power to change or even not participate in the relationship after forgiveness. To have the courage to say "This is what happened, and this is how I felt about it" is powerful and beautiful.
I once heard forgiveness compared to a giant fishing hook. When you've been hurt that sharp pointy end of the hook goes straight through your middle, hooks you right in your gut. Then you are angry with that person or withhold forgiveness and that person ends up on the hook too right in front of you. It really hurts being on the hook, but the only way to get yourself off the hook is to let them off first.
That sounds awful. That's one of those things when I'm living in it I would roll my eyes at if someone were to tell me. Get out of here with that. But when I'm looking from the outside, I can't help but concede it make sense. I can't think of a time that holding onto hatred or anger has made me feel happy, whole, or gracious. Often times it does feel like a hole right in my gut, and I can't heal when I still have that hook going straight through me.
Forgiveness not indicative of what moving forward will look like; forgiveness is just taking that step forward. You get to decide where you go with it after that step.
This blog is less about my writing, and more about sharing inspiration. I'll post pictures, articles, and videos that I find interesting, moving, or just funny (funny being a loose term here as my humor is generally of the nerdy psychoanalytic variety).